Since a kid, I already suffered from loneliness and a lack of self-confidence. This cost my worth to deteriorate. I compare myself to everyone regarding their talents, skills, and looks. However, I always believe as a child that we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalms 139:4). Because of my low self-esteem, I was easily swayed by discouragement and not having the courage to cease people from controlling me. The bullying and taunts I received from my classmates played a major role in damaging my character, identity, and ‘pagkatao' which is a Filipino term for the character.
People always tell me to always bring my confidence, but I really don’t know personally where to get them! As a child, whenever I prepare for school, I can always tell that my nervousness is eating me alive. My tummy experiences pain and my hands are both shaky and cold at the same time. I never had the chance to build my own because I spend my whole life being a pet or a robot. I don’t mean to badmouth or spread hate, but I grew up under the wings of a protective household. Of course, growing up with protective guardians has lots of advantages such as ensuring your protection and receiving attention. On the contrary, you will be always controlled and have no 'freedom' from anything your heart desired for. It is sad and alone to be in a situation where people judge your situation and misunderstood your feelings.
The first two years of primary schooling would be considered to be one of my worst moments. Do you know why? It's because I have been controlled by my nanny whom my mom and everyone in the household thought will take care of everything for me. Rather than making everything better, things have turned into unexpected situations. My social life has been damaged because my nanny doesn't allow me to hang around with kids in the schoolyard. She always threatened to tell my teacher and mom lies about me if I made a mistake. Making scenes is one of her hobbies and I feel embarrassed being stared at by my classmates. She always starves me during our snack time and I always ended up not eating anything. Because of her treatment of me, my grades have deteriorated, and failed most of my assessments and quizzes due to her negligence and not providing my schooling needs.
Thank goodness for gaining my independence when I was in grade 3. Without her existence, I have gained my freedom which is my right to decide for myself and meet the ends of my schooling and at least my social requirements.
On the other hand, during my stay in a school for 7 years, at least every day, I always experience taunting, bullying, teasing, insult, harassment (verbally and sometimes physically), and worst of all: JUDGEMENTS! I know for you this sounds very traumatic, unfair, and very deadly, and even for me too as it is because I kept these moments as 'secrets' to everyone as I do not want anyone to experience burden and let the situations be complicated. Not only I did get these bitter challenges from my classmates but also from one of my teachers! They never knew how much their words would cost your whole identity. Losing your whole identity caused me to drown in the depths of confusion, anxiety, the bondage of the enemy and even losing my relationship with Him!
God is good! He answered our prayers for my family and me. We move somewhere I can allow myself to free myself from those crabs who try to pull me down. I am thankful to God that I met new people who appreciate and love me for who I am. Despite the fact that I did not make any friends yet (due to loving the new culture), I am very hopeful that I will act like one of them (of course in a good manner haha!) and be able to love their traditions without compromising what I believe is right!
I admit that my new life overseas isn't as easy as I expected. Still, I will forever cherish the life lessons that have thought me to develop a skill in speaking with a different accent, the importance of egalitarianism, a laid-back attitude, a less formal society, and mateship!
Discovering my passions Equals Character Development
My Cheerleading/Dance Journey
Just like what I mentioned in my previous post regarding my cheer coach journey, it is always my dream to be involved in the cheer and/or dance squad. Well, I danced in a ballet school and for our school program (just for the expense of passing our grades though. However, due to the lack of good instructors in my area, I never had the chance to learn from my mistakes, and yet I only received negative criticisms. I never told anyone either how hard it feels to be pulled out from what I love without telling me the reasons why they did that. Look, I may not be born as one of the best dancers in the universe, but there is always a spark in my heart that I need to pay attention to, or else I will be forever stuck in my frustrations.
When I moved to another city, I never thought about dancing anymore since I can't find any studios where I can learn to execute and 'clean' my moves properly. Since I'm still under the wing of my parents, they are heavily worried that I might get mocked for my dancing skills, but of course, I have the 'desire' to learn. Therefore, it hurts a lot not to have a chance as early as I can to improve my craft, but I truly believe that there is always perfect timing for everything. At the same time, I tried different sports, but trust me nothing beats my passion for cheer and dance compared to any other sports. At the same time, I'm starting to be a die-hard fan of AFL and soccer as I learn to appreciate the country's national sport.
God is good because He gave me a chance to perform a dance to serve Him. It isn't an easy journey but I finally made it to dance every Sunday in the church. I love it! The techniques regarding aligning your moves in the music are generally a piece of cake! I never ever thought that this is going to be hard although there are many songs that have fast tempos! Since I have the habit of looking back on the past haha, I was cursing those people who discouraged me from doing what I love through my mind! Sorry, Lord! However, I believe that God is teaching me to be firm, forgiving and to be realistic, and hopeful at the same time which is the most valuable education I have received.
Times pass by, well, I will honestly confess that I improve so much in my dancing skills. Gaining this skill, therefore, encouraged me to join the cheerleading squad at my future university. Sadly, most of the time, I just receive misjudgments. On the other hand, I am still thankful that God sends people who understand me.
Years passed by, and bittersweet moments knocked in. I made the cheerleading team at my uni but have to stop because a lot of concerned friends are worried about the team's name. At the same time, I am aware of this issue. However, there is no dance or cheer team for adults in my town that I can join so all I have to do is to suck this up. Therefore I have no choice but to join the team from my uni anyways.
Another baggage is when I felt left out and judged in my church dance group. I don't mean to act or sound jealous but most dancers who started later than me, have already been assigned responsibilities. They are good honestly. However, I started to have a bit of self-pity towards me. It's not like I am hungry for power and authority but it is just that I feel left out and 'immature.'
I started questioning God about my value and worth as a result. In my cheerleading journey blog, it is mentioned how I have gone through a hell of sadness, unworthiness, depression, and hopelessness regarding achieving my dreams.
You know the feeling of being trapped and caged in an area where nobody has the same interest as you? The worst part happens when people taunt you for dreaming. Therefore, you would feel alone and helpless. Some people who have told you to throw off whatever you set in your mind make you realise that they are right. As a result, you will be more doubtful of your decisions and let other people 'control' you because I always think that all of my decisions are just simply failing. It is very distressing because God has given us more than enough power, authority, and of course to love.
We are valuable and special because God entrusted us with our souls and life so we can definitely benefit from His creations and goodness. Well, this is a very tough test that I have been through, but I have learned that we should respect, be happy and support people's dreams. If we learn to appreciate people's goals and endeavors, trust and love will overcome any hatred in this world. To make the story short, God not only called me to shake my pom poms but also to gain lots of certifications to instruct cheerleading and dance!
God reminded me that our skills, hobbies, passions, and interests have purposes in His plan.
We are not here in this world to be obsessed with power, wealth, and authority. Not only we will be missing out on the miracles of God but this also means that we are following His Will. Therefore, it will also be a world tragedy if we look down on certain careers or jobs as every position has its distinct purpose. Trust me, every nation throughout the planet will be transformed into the kingdom of God if we learn to act the true meaning of 'love.'
I know I am not those people who discovered that dance is their life during their childhood, but age definitely does not matter at all! See, you know how God called Moses for his greatest mission? He even started at a ripe age. Even Sarah, Abraham's wife, bore her first child at the age of 90. So why rush if God has an appointed timeline for each of us?!
Exploring New Sports
I never realised that I will become a diehard fan of any sport at all. Growing up, I was always sheltered at home and was not allowed to interact with other kids for my own safety. Yet, I was always told off that playing sports is not a part of female norms during my childhood time.
We always know that every experience you have in a particular area will eventually pay off. During my years of primary schooling, I was always taunted for being a wimp and lanky. It cost my self-identity and my faith in God. I can't even shoot on the hoops before until I move down under 🤭 or even serve a shuttlecock from the badminton! I was so ashamed and at the same time felt anger for taking advantage of my weaknesses.
Moving to Australia, what I felt was worse than I thought. The people are totally nice and supportive though. However, I was just feeling left out because the majority of the kids from my school have at least some athletic experience with supportive and nice instructors. The other worse scenario is when I developed a massive crush on the guy who was the star athlete of the school. It made me even think, 'Am I worthy enough to fall for a guy?'
Of course, you really wanted to blend with the crowd. So that's why I considered analysing myself to determine which sports really fit me so I could gain more friends, self-improvement, and develop a better social network.
Unfortunately, everything I tried did not work. One of the coaches in the track and field told me that I was not good enough. Since my parents are very protective of me, they even told me to stop thinking about sports because they don't want me to get upset. I stopped learning about other sports and shut down everything that is related to that kind of topic.
AFL
Years and years passed by, and I never realised that I would become a die-hard fan of footy although I will not mention how it happened (too private)! Haha! I started to learn how players score and the meaning of these AFL goalposts. I have even taken research on AFL terminologies. I definitely learned a lot and developed faith that AFL would be played and gain the respect that it deserves globally.
I am actually looking forward to where people from different nations across the planet regarding of their gender, age, ability, and skills make careers out of this amazing sport.
Skateboarding
Yes yes yes, guys! I am actually learning how to ride a skateboard! I bought myself a pink skateboard and its wheels separately for my 25th birthday.
Learning to skateboard is not only about learning tricks and 'showing off.' It is also making the most of your time occupied doing an activity whilst staying in a park.
The good feature of skateboarding is you will improve your own balance and be able to find the center of gravity in your body. I believe that this is a useful workout for me as an aspiring pro dancer because being a dancer means having a great posture and foundation which is a necessity for performing with power and agility.
Soccer
Lastly, soccer! If I have to pick a favourite sport, soccer is one of them definitely! What I love about soccer or football is everyone can play that sport! There is always a type of soccer for anyone!
Moreover, I am so delighted to see every nation in the world is actually part of FIFA which is really good! This is where nations and every individual can have something to talk about or develop as a common interest!
I am so happy as well because I believe that at least there would be the harmony that will act as a light and hope to each region. Regardless of each country's economic status and power, the sport of soccer will definitely bring each individual back to closer relations.
Therefore, I decided to create a story through the app called Episode where I can empower sports players, cheerleaders, and people of different backgrounds. I wanted to create a story where people will learn how to develop harmonious relationships. Since I do not have any background in soccer sport, I have to take a short course about the sport and I am blessed to announce that I have completed it!
Relationship With God
My faith in God went up to the peak because of how He showed His love for me. I am very happy that my heart is on fire despite some challenges and worst days. He is just simply amazing. God understands anything in our hearts so try to talk with Him! He is for sure definitely wanted to chat with us!
When we need something, God will give them to us in His perfect timing.
I always remember that when no door opens for us, He will always find one for us!
The other things in my life that I am very thankful to God for are:
- I Finally Have the Answer Key for Mr. Right: Blond, loves sports, is godly, and of course the right person who will accept me for who I am!
- I got a job: I finally found a work that suits my own lifestyle. The other workers are actually nice people despite the fact that the majority of them are males.
- My Dream for my town: Geelong Cats finally holds the cup! I am very happy for the Geelong townspeople for making their dreams come true! Winning is not only about gaining the cup but also about how the fans' and players' lives have transformed into an amazing experience that they will cherish for a lifetime. Moreover, I am also looking forward to how the Cat's victory will also have a great impact on the town's economy too!
- I have reached the quarter century of my life! I never realised that I will reach this stage where everything in my mindset would be developed. Maybe God waited until I reached the age of 25 to experience His shower of greatness. I became a better and stronger version of the person I was before. God uses these challenges so we will be mentally and spiritually fit too!
- Finally, an answer to my identity! The DNA company gave me a kit where I can trace my ethnicity estimates and relatives. I received my results after flying back to Melbourne during my stay in my relatives' province in the Philippines. I never expected that I would have distant ancestries in Japanese and Celtic besides my primary ethnicity in Filipino. It is definitely a blessing to find out that you have the blood of such ethnic groups because it will make a sense of belongingness. Thus I am proud to say that I am not sitting only on one ethnicity but a GLOBAL CITIZEN!
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